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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles