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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list