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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.