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Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.