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I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.