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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.