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Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Keep calm and drink on.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.