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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.