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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?