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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D