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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!