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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.