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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.