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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Money can buy imitation happiness. Iām cool with that.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.