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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Hard butter is the devil.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it