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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".