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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.