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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell