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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.