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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!