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Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.