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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.