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By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!