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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
I fake my LOLs
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.