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I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.