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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.