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I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.