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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.