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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?