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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?