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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.