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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)