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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.