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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.