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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.