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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"