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I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iām gonna be up all night worrying.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.