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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough