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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?