Daily Silly Status

Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.

Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.

My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.

my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".

Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass

If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.

I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.