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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.