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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."