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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"