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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.