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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?