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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops