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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.