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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.