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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Been there, done that. allegedly
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.