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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!