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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.