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I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what