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Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.