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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.