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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Hold boobs not grudges.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."