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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?