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I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.