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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.