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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.