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Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.