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Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.