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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
My whole life is based on a true story...
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.