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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time