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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Never squat with your spurs on
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.