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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!