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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.