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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.