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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
This status is mine....I licked it.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy