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There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.