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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...