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There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Question everything...Or should you?
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things