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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.