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In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)