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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........