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I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.