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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.